Day One: Durham to Baltimore

Our hero braves the ordeals of D.C. traffic.

Total Mileage: 297

Song of the Day: “Keep Your Eyes Ahead” (Helio Sequence)

 - not especially profound; just really catchy.

Books of the Day:

 - Living in Favor, Abundance, and Joy (Joel Osteen)

 - I’d Rather We Got Casinos and Other Black Thoughts (Larry Wilmore)

 - Vita Nuova (Dante)

Departure from Durham (Parting Words of Wisdom)

Well, it took me a little longer to get on the road than I had planned, but I think I was justified in that.  I spent much of the morning and early afternoon packing and hanging out with Erin (my especially dear friend), and she had quite a few insights about this little journey on which I’m embarking.  I was mentioning to her again that one of the reasons for this project is so that I can get a feel for several different cities and several different styles of doing church.  I explained, “All of this will be incredibly important for when I finally get out there and start my church.”  Erin grimaced slightly at my wording and corrected me: “Not your church; God’s church.”  I keep slipping up on that lingo, and I was grateful for the reminder: sure, I’m gathering ideas on this whole expedition, but ultimately, it’s God steering the course, and I’m just hoping to be used as an instrument in the process.  Even though this will not be the main focus of the study, I’ll be keeping an eye out for how a pastor fits into the power dynamic of the church (especially in the cases of church plants and megachurches).  Sure, I’m betting it’s kind of fun to be a charismatic religious figurehead, but I’m curious to see how a celebrity pastor balances that publicity and influence with the Bible’s undeniable call to humility.  I have a lot to learn from some of these characters I’ll be meeting this summer (even if some of it has to be presented through cautionary tales).

My fearless copilot: Oscar Obadiah "Chewbacca" Guinness

Erin also commented, “You know, Tom, I see you as almost kind of a Jonah character, and I’ve got a feeling that you might just get swallowed by a whale this summer.”  Sounds like a prophecy if I’ve ever heard one.  Erin is wise beyond her years, and I’ve been perpetually amazed by her attunement to the spiritual in the months since I met her.  Her insights always leave me with quite a bit to chew on, and this is certainly not the last time I’ll be citing her on this trip.  I packed up the last of my things, topped off my gas tank, swung by the ATM, and hit the road.  I was only fifteen minutes out of town before the list of forgotten items bubbled up in my mind: weights, my audiobook of The Great Divorce, pocket knife, any type of rain gear, etc.  Given that I’m planning to camp out in a few places, a few of those items will be sorely missed (particularly the rain gear).  Something tells me I’ll have a few minor purchases along the way these next few months.  Oh well.

Testing the Waters of Lakewood

For the first leg of the drive, I popped in a set of Joel Osteen sermons and listened to four in a row before needing to switch over to something a little more fun (a comedy book on race issues by the Daily Show’s “Senior Black Correspondent” Larry Wilmore, but let’s keep this about Joel).  I was biased against the sermons from the beginning, particularly when each started out with a little jingle: “Lakewood-- discover the champion in you!”  Wow.  It struck me as borderline idolatrous to advertise the church in such fashion, but I decided to go ahead and ignore that until I actually get to visit the place.  Of course, what caught me off-guard is just how unbelievably likeable Joel Osteen is!  Listening to his sermons, I just can’t help but enjoy them, and I really get the feeling that he has my best interest at heart.  The guy is a master communicator, and even though the sermons may not have a ton of theological depth to them (and I’ve spotted some kind of wonky exegesis in a few places), he still cites Scripture constantly and genuinely tries to present helpful advice from a Christ-centered worldview.  I don’t agree with the guy on everything, and I’m curious to see how his church members regard his celebrity, but I have to be honest: he’s incredibly fun to listen to, and my gripes with him are far fewer than I had expected.  So far, Joel starts out every sermon the same way: a warm welcome, an invitation to listeners to come and attend Lakewood in person (“We’ll make you feel right at home!”), and a group reciting of a pre-sermon meditation:

This is my Bible.

I am what it says I am.

I have what it says I have.

I can do what it says I can do.

Today, I will be taught the Word of God.

I'll boldly confess.

My mind is alert.  My heart is receptive

I will never be the same.

I am about to receive the incorruptible, indestructible, ever-living Seed of the Word of God.

I'll never be the same.

Never, never, never!

I'll never be the same.

In Jesus' Name, amen.

After this, Joel likes to kick off the sermon with a funny story, and some of these were pretty phenomenal.  I can’t retell it with the same flair, but one that really stuck with me went something like this . . .

“I recently heard the story of a man who passed away, but he wanted to make sure that his wife was left with plenty of money.  In fact, he had set aside $20,000 in case of his death so that she could handle any funeral expenses easily.  Well, after the funeral, the wife looked incredibly distraught, so the pastor asked her what was wrong.  ‘Just a little financial trouble,’ she answered.  The pastor was confused and asked, ‘But didn’t he leave you $20,000 just for this occasion.’  The woman responded, ‘Yes, and we spent all of it!  $5,000 on the service and the casket and $15,000 for the memorial stone!’  Astonished, the pastor asked, ‘Wow, how large is the stone?’  The woman held up her hand and answered, ‘Three karats!’”

Each sermon began with a fun introductory joke like that to loosen up the audience, and even though the stories were usually fairly corny, they were also strangely endearing.

The sermons that I listened to were all about leaving the past behind and approaching the future bravely with the confidence that God has our best interests at heart.  You know, I realize that a lot of people accuse Osteen of preaching a prosperity gospel, but I haven’t totally gotten that vibe so far in these sermons.  He’s talked a lot about not being enslaved by past defeats and about “trading ashes for beauty” (knowing when it’s okay to stop mourning and allow God to lead you to happier thoughts).  He cites examples from his own life, pointing often to his father, the original founder of Lakewood.  In fact, I was amazed at Joel’s candor when talking about his father’s divorce (a defeat which he managed to overcome rather than allowing it to wreck his ministry).  Joel talked about how God “turned that defeat into a victory” and allowed Joel’s father to meet the woman who would eventually become the mother of Joel and his siblings.  Okay, so maybe there was a tinge of prosperity gospel in there, but Joel tempered it with the reminder that believing in God doesn’t magically make your problems go away, but it can give you the strength to confront them.  Admittedly, I’m still trying to figure out exactly how I feel about all this because it does send a bit of a mixed message.  I did sense a promise of prosperity, but the caveats he gave make me wonder how valid that accusation against him is.

Over all, it seems like Joel Osteen believes very much that God is love and that God wants the best for His children.    Joel believes that God can give us the tools to address any personal issue, and he encouraged his church members and listeners to be bold and warrior-like in their confronting of life’s problems.  I thought that his take on not allowing your past to rule over you was pretty legit and a message that plenty of people could stand to hear, but I’ll admit that I did sort of a double-take at the whole warrior mentality thing.  I still have six more sermons to go in this set, and then I’ll be able to weigh in a little more effectively.  Right now, I’m actually feeling pretty optimistic about Osteen and his message, and I’m wondering if Duke Div students have been just a little rash in trying to make him our whipping boy.  He’s a loving guy who seems like he really has a heart for that congregation, and I’m curious to see how those services will feel in person.

He still needs to get rid of that stupid jingle though.  It just sounds so shallow.  Seriously, I’ve heard advertisements for personal injury lawyers that sounded more genuine.

GPS: Geography Presents Surprises

Not my stomach's best friend.

Having listened to four sermons and two thirds of my Larry Wilmore book, I decided to take a quick break before Washington, D.C., stopping off in northeastern Virginia around 6:00.  According to my GPS, I was only about an hour from Baltimore, but I suspected that the commute through D.C. might delay me enough that getting a bite to eat would probably be a good call.  This meant delaying the delicious Chesapeake seafood and opting instead for Burger King.  Of course, even though I loved fast food for the longest time, I have to admit that I’ve gotten spoiled by the cheap, local fare available around my apartment in Durham.  Still, I often eat fast food when on the road (or sometimes just to give my arteries a challenge), and I have a strategy at fast food restaurants: always buy whatever is most heavily promoted.  My rationale is that a heavily-advertised item is more frequently ordered, so the company will be more careful to make sure it’s 100% sanitary so as to avoid a ton of lawsuits. The strategy is somewhat hit or miss.  Sometimes, the most-promoted item is a Taco Bell grilled stuffed burrito (mmm), but sometimes it’s also the enigmatic McRib.  In this particular case, it meant chicken tenders, which the sign proudly advertised as “now with whole white meat” (begging the question of what they were before).  I still feel a little unhealthily full from this meal, which is why I’m overjoyed that my hotel has a fitness center, where I will head immediately after finishing this.  After all, I’m going to be sedentary for a pretty significant portion of this summer, so might as well try to get into a habit of working off the junk food early.  Thankfully, I’m safely in Baltimore now, so I have delicious crab to look forward to tomorrow --not to mention what is purportedly the best cannoli shop in existence--, and I also have a serious hankering for seafood bisque.  Let’s face it: even though I’m supposed to be roughing it, there is some seriously delicious food on the horizon this summer.  I digress.  Getting to Baltimore was quite an interesting experience.

Godly building, ungodly traffic.

I was a little surprised when my GPS suggested that I veer off of I-95 as I approached D.C.  Honestly, I couldn’t tell you the exact route I took, but immediately after getting off 95, I found myself in a total gridlock right next to the Pentagon.  My GPS admitted in a distressed tone, “Severe traffic delay ahead.  Recalculating . . .”  The next few minutes had me on Route 1 for a while, and I drove right past both the Washington and Jefferson monuments.  I tried to whip out my camera and snag a few pictures at red lights, but this effort was largely unsuccessful.  Based on street signs, I’m also pretty sure that I came within about two blocks of the White House at one point, and I did manage to grab a picture of a neat, church that I figured would be appropriate for the blog.  The GPS steered me through downtown D.C. and into busy city streets, where I had to deal with some of the most daring pedestrians I’ve ever seen.  There were cars darting in and out of parallel parking spaces the whole way, and I quickly discovered that the whole red-yellow-green traffic light system in D.C. is really more of a suggestion than a law.  I switched off the audiobook and opted for music instead as I tried to remain calm through the traffic nightmare.  I quickly decided that, were I to move to D.C., I would probably just sell my car and go everywhere on foot.

The city seemed surprisingly pedestrian-friendly, and I was shocked at just how much green space D.C. has (particularly in several traffic circles which featured small parks in the centers).  Of course, the areas through which I was driving were fairly gentrified, with plenty of upscale-looking brownstones and quite a few happy-looking hipsters out walking their dogs in the pleasant evening air.  I couldn’t help but think, “You know, I just might fit in here.”  Of course, for some reason, the very cosmopolitan flair of the city’s other sections had me feeling like some sort of country hayseed.  When driving through the more business-y sections of town, I did see quite a few of the stereotypical professional politicians walking around at tornadic speeds.  The suits and business attire made me feel quite out of place in my plaid shirt, patrol cap, and 3-day stubble.  Oh well.  I also saw a few less upscale neighborhoods, but there wasn’t anything too distinctive about this.  Felt sort of like South Memphis really.  In fact, I seriously entertained the notion of knocking on the door of a church building and asking if I could stay the night.  I decided to push on anyway.

The GPS finally got me out of D.C., and I was on my way to Baltimore once again.

Oops

I had no idea that Baltimore was a scant fifteen minutes from D.C., and I had seriously intended to stop between the two cities for the night.  I passed by Columbia, MD, and thought about stopping there, but I figured that I could go ahead and push for a community slightly closer to Baltimore.  Little did I realize that the next community was Baltimore!

I had taken a serious gamble and just typed “Baltimore” into my GPS when I left Durham, so I wound up coming into town on Route 1.  I’m not sure why I expected there to be anything interesting along Route 1.  There isn’t.  There is in D.C., but not in Baltimore.  There’s just nothing.  It’s just houses and a few small businesses along a depressed-looking road.  That’s it.  Thankfully, I had the good sense to pull over and modify my GPS directions a bit.  I pressed “points of interest” and clicked “lodgings,” and a list of hotels came up.  One of the first was “Holiday Inn: Inner Harbor.”  Ooo!  The Inner Harbor!  I remember my mom talking about that!  That’s a thing!  I’m going to that one!  The GPS calculated my route and then guided me to the hotel . . . mostly.  The Inner Harbor is very much in the city of Baltimore, and I will admit that I have done very little big city driving.  In particular, the concept of navigating around trolley tracks had me in trouble in a few spots along the way, but, thankfully, no collisions occurred, and no police saw me, so I made it to my destination largely unencumbered.  Of course, as I drove to the hotel, I took note of my surroundings and thought to myself, “Wow, these are some big buildings.  In fact, I think that hotel is at least ten stories.  Ooo, and the water is right there.  I wonder if all the rooms come with a view.”  And then it dawned on me: “I wonder how expensive my room is going to be.”

At this point, I’d like to take a quick break to thank my generous sponsors:

The Mom and Dad Foundation of Memphis, TN

My parents had told me that they wanted to cover a few hotel rooms for me so that I wouldn’t be sleeping in just my car or my tent the entire first half of the drive.  In fact, they had specifically told me that they wanted to cover my stay in Baltimore.  Of course, I may have let it slip that my main motivation for coming to Baltimore a day early was to explore the city and retrace my parents’ first three years of marriage (which will be my project for tomorrow).  My parents got married right after my mom graduated college, which meant that she got to move up to Baltimore with my dad while he finished his remaining three years of med school at Hopkins.  My mom frequently alludes to “the time when we couldn’t afford to put sugar in kool-aid and your poor father ate only baloney for a year,” so I just had to come up here and see some of this for myself.  I’m going to track down a few of their favorite restaurants, visit the site of their old apartment, drop in at their old church, and just generally hang out where they hung out . . . with one exception: this hotel.

This hotel is kind of extravagant.  In fact, even though I managed to talk my way into a reduced rate, I’m still a little uncomfortable here knowing how much it costs.  A hotel room in the Inner Harbor is not a cheap thing, so I’m incredibly grateful to my parents for helping me out on this, but I have to admit that it’s not really true to the experience I’m hoping for here in Baltimore, and I think it’s a bit of an unnecessary expense for them, so one of my other main assignments for tomorrow is to find cheaper accommodations.  As much as I’m enjoying my view of the harbor from the ninth story of the Holiday Inn, not to mention the 24-hour fitness center and the fancy tags on the pillows which tell me which ones are firmer or softer, I may move farther from the harbor tomorrow night, particularly since I’m here mostly to study New Song Community Church, which is located in the Sandtown-Winchester neighborhood about two or three miles away.  I want to be closer to the church so that I can walk around and really get a feel for the neighborhood, but as I’m searching the internet, I’m not finding many hotels that much closer or that much cheaper.  I guess Sandtown-Winchester isn’t on the top of a lot of tourists’ must-see lists, but given the work that New Song is doing, it’s definitely at the top of mine.  I’ll figure something out.  In the meantime, time to take advantage of that gym and then get some rest so that I can spend tomorrow retracing my parents’ steps.

Oh no, I just realized that I left my nalgene in Durham.

And it was still half-full.

And I’m going to be gone for fourteen weeks.

That thing is going to be able to sustain life by the time I get back.

Ew.

Peace and Blessings,

Tom

See you tomorrow, dinner.  Bwahahahaha!